by Sylvia Zapata, Political Scientist, SAF Executive Director
Doubt, Deadlines, and Touching Bottom
Ty Herndon’s 1999 release I Can’t Do It All explores the fear of falling short. While Ty was singing about losing out on romantic love, that phrase, along with all its accompanying lyrics, made me think about how I felt that verse in my soul and how I have often thought, “Maybe, I am just not equal to the task.”
Maybe the fear and anxiety that has me staring down the calendar, and the clock, with my mind racing and my hands frozen until “just the right time” triggers frenzied movement and submissions at 11:59 pm for a midnight deadline means I am not as competent and composed as I think I am.
As I sit with the thought, and the shame, of not meeting everyone nor my own expectations, I sink into despair, in frustration, and in self-pity. But my feet always touch the bottom.
The bottom is my family history and my family’s unwavering belief in me and my promise.
Love, Loyalty, and the Life I Had to Rebuild
When people say there are things money can’t buy I am sure one of the things they must be referring to is the love and loyalty of a family who sees you grow, struggle, stumble, fall flat on your face, hold out a hand to help you get back up and and as another favorite artist, Cardi B, puts it in one of her hits, it’s about being knocked down again and again, but always rising one more time than you fall.
To be honest, I wasn’t sure being the SAF’s Executive Director was a good idea for me at the time. I was going through a divorce after a 21-year relationship that began the summer of my SAF internship when I was only nineteen.
At the same time, we were fixing up our joint home to put it up for sale.
And because I had no local family, selling also meant becoming a solo home buyer.
Add to that, raising two teenagers, moving them from one county over to start in a new school system and learning to co-parent was not the breeze it may seem.
Finally, for some odd reason, maybe to spice it up, I started going to graduate school online at UNC-Chapel Hill to work on my master’s in public health leadership just weeks before starting at SAF.
This IS Farmworker Justice
You might be thinking, “Sylvia, what does this have to do with farmworker justice or Thanksgiving?” or maybe “TMI.”
Prima, sis, bruh, cuh: It has everything to do with farmworker justice and Thanksgiving.
Farmworker justice includes providing spaces and places for farmworkers and their families to grow and prosper. Growing and prospering aren’t pain free.
Sure, I could tell you about how I won an honorable mention in a HEP/CAMP writing contest last year for one of my poems or the panels and rallies where I’ve spoken. But what I want to uplift for you today is celebrating the advances and gains you do not get a certificate nor a ceremony for experiencing.
Changing & Taking Charge of My Narrative
Only a year prior to working at SAF, I started therapy and began the hard work of reflection, re-positioning, and re-directing my own story. I started to forgive myself -- and others-- for harm caused and for being bitter about my life not turning out exactly how I imagined.
One of the wake-up calls for me was my son, then about 13, who muttered, “I am such an idiot!” over making a mistake. It made me stop in my tracks, because I know his father, and I never talk to him that way nor call him those types of names. So where did he get it?
Then I made a mistake when taking my children out of school for a dentist's appointment only to arrive and find out it was happening the next day, and they could not fit them in early to make up for my calendar error. I called myself an “idiot” and said that I felt “so dumb” for taking my kids out of school, driving across town, taking time off work, then returning them to school with not even a doctor’s note to excuse the school time lost.
The entire drive I kept circling back to it even as I got distracted by traffic, I would gripe under my breath in frustration for the gravity of my error. It was at that moment that I realized my son heard me talk to myself that way. I did not even have to talk to him like that for him to mirror that behavior and self-chastising for making a simple error any busy parent would make.
Self-Work & Shakira
Self-awareness and self-forgiveness aren’t something you even really get to truly achieve, because you don’t ever arrive. Instead, it is constant labor.
In her classic song Inevitable, Shakira reflects relationships and notes that when you’re trying to understand what’s happening between two people, it helps to begin by looking at yourself first.
Self-awareness can be painful, but it is something we must allow ourselves to contemplate should we want to be in authentic, loving, and supportive relationships with other people.
This is a dance we get to do where we must strap on those folklorico white dancing heels no matter how tired we are if we are interested in reaching that ephemeral self-love which is at times a place, a feeling, a moment, and a struggle.
Being Seen, Then & Now
One of the most painful things I have had to endure in my life, aside from outright rejection or abuse, was the people closest to me not seeing me.
I guess deep down, maybe not so deep, I am still that kid with a bowl haircut that went perfectly with the nickname “goat” who would run circles around the house while I waited my turn to hit the piñata at a family party. Afterwards, I was ridiculed for the level of my energy which was captured on video.
Both/And, not Either/Or
I don’t know if humanity has ever been so painfully aware of our past and present selves at the same time, with reminders at our fingertips that we are both “ain’t shit” and “everything.”
It is a privilege for me to have this time, information, relationships, to grapple with this concept, but it comes after exhausting the dead ends of shame and self-loathing. I can forgive myself for not being supportive enough of my friends and family when they needed me and not asking them how they wanted me to show up for them.
I can ask forgiveness for my mistakes — which was a thing I never used to do — because I was afraid if I admitted to the world that I made one more mistake then all the naysayers would be right, and my ego could not bear that.
Through therapy, research, friendships, relationships, and constant communication, I have taken steps to ask forgiveness. With a racing heart at times, it feels as if I am stepping into a sheet of ice, and depending on the audience, my steps will either be received by the permafrost of supportive accountability, and equal introspection, or the quickly crackling thin ice that sees me plummet into frigid stares and subzero hearts with only my first step of venturing out.
Neurodivergence, Self-Acceptance, and Worthiness
Even writing this piece, I know the metaphors and stories are supposed to be tied to a general theme, but that is so neurotypical.
I have attention deficit disorder. I have come to terms that it doesn’t matter what I throw at it—I must accept that some tasks will continue to be a constant struggle for me. And that is ok. I don’t have to be anything to be worthy of love and respect. I deserve that simply for existing --and you do, too.
On Boundaries and Protecting Your Own Heart
While I despise, with passion, the narrative that how others treat us is our fault, because we “allow it,” I must admit there is a component of respecting our own boundaries that is true of that notion. First, you must know your own boundaries and what you need to feel safe and protected; to value your own self. I am still working on that.
Gratitude, Growth, and the Wisdom of Living Through It
Which brings me to now—this Thanksgiving I am grateful for the wisdom my years on this Earth have given me to know I am great even when I struggle and that I may never have it all together enough for some people.
I want to gently and lovingly call you in to give yourself credit for everything you have achieved; especially if your ancestors couldn’t have even fathomed of being in the space you are in to be able to do what you do and be how, and who, you are now. Thanksgiving is usually a time to be grateful for the contribution of others in our lives, and we should still do that, but when it comes to showing external gratitude, we must first be able to notice those things in ourselves.
Leadership, Legacy, and Why Your Support Matters
I just closed out my third year as SAF Executive Director, still the first Mexican American Latine farmworker, migrant kid, first generation college graduate to be the ED at SAF. But I need your help.
I don’t know if you all realized this, but Melinda was ED for 28 years. You do anything for 28 years you are going to be great at it, and with Melinda being an Aquarius, she exceeded even that.
Now, there’s me, and three years in I am here to report that despite your doe-eyed hope in me I still have not been able to raise as much money as she did. This isn’t a competition between Melinda and I, but a reminder to all SAF supporters that we need you — still.
During my tenure, we have been at a deficit for the past two years. Even though I have raised hundreds of thousands of dollars, that doesn’t mean those dollars are received at once; most are multi-year grants that divide that amount into smaller portions
This is where you come in, this December many of you will receive a letter, a postcard or see a social media message asking you to donate to SAF.
I am asking you not only to donate to this campaign, but to invite new supporters.
On Telling the Truth, Even When It’s Hard
Closing out this Thanksgiving reflection with a fundraiser ask may seem contrived, but it is also part of the story I am telling myself about what kind of a leader I am if I cannot communicate to our supporters that we cannot be at a deficit for a third year in a row without having to cut back on our programs next year.
Yes, it is that critical.
I am not sure how quickly anyone expects me to ramp up fundraising to catch up to the level of a 28-year veteran who could sell an “ocean-front property in Arizona” to anyone and who would then get you to subscribe to the newsletter afterward.
I know Melinda did not do it alone, because she did it with your help and the work, and dedication, of countless SAFistas.
This is why I am excited about what is to come for SAF, and the programming we plan to offer in the coming year, but we cannot do it without your support.
Final Thoughts of Gratitude
🌱Thank you for being here with us in this fight for this long.
🌱Thank you for caring about whether farmworker kids get to be revolutionaries in our own communities.
🌱Thank you to past and present SAF staff and board members for being the actors who carry out and guide us through living out our mission.
🌱Thank you to our partners for coming back to the table and inspiring our students to do more when they head home.
🌱Thank you to my son, Adrián, my daughter, Saraliah, my dogter, Sadie, and my daughter’s cat, Sielo, for supporting me and reminding me that if I have values then I need to prove it withthe way I show up.
Happy Thanksgiving! I am grateful for you today.